Day 1

I'm going to try this experiment of journalling again and see if it helps me clear my mind some more. I've left my ol'man because he moved my ex-roommate in. She's my ex-roommate because I cannot have people with drug problems and all the drama that comes with them around me. This hurts me deeply. It makes me feel betrayed on multiple levels by both parties and it is a slap in the face akin to him cheating on me. He insists he hasn't slept with her. At this point its irrelevant. It wouldn't be worse if they did.

I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm lonely and I'm confused. I know in my brain that the correct thing is not to take this abuse and disrespect from anyone. My heart misses him though I know even before this he was no good for me. I've ended up on anti-anxiety meds again. I'm caught between depression and loneliness and they are just feeding back and forth off of each other. I'm a better person than this. I've isolated myself from all but my close friends. I'm moody. Grumpy. Bitter. Sad and miserable. I've lost around 10-15 lbs. I barely eat. I'm dizzy all the time yet have no appetite and have to force myself to make or get food.

I am afraid I will never feel the bliss and the pure love and infatuation that I did ever again. I don't think I will because I don't think it was real. It was a facade to rope me in. It is very difficult if not completely capable of driving me insane to listen to this man tell me how much he loved and cared for me and know that my feelings were deeper for him than any other I ever loved all the while in contrast to watch his actions be that of a selfish, self-centered, manipulative toddler. I think he does this to every girl he dates. Who has two ex-wives that try to commit suicide? I feel I am stronger than most and even I was calling a suicide prevention hot line at one point in time.

This "man" has driven me to the highest highs and the lowest lows that I have ever experienced in my life. That's saying something because my low is a period where I lost my marriage, my job, my house, my money, my car, my dog. My right eye twitches. i can't sleep. Except when i'm not supposed to be...I'm mentally and physically exhausted. :(