Step 1

I admitted I am powerless over alcohol(ism) - that my life has become unmanageable.

Yeah.... that would about cover it for me.... step 1. I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. I find it cosmically hilarious that I put myself in therapy to try to get a handle on my life only to be brought back to the recurring theme of alcoholism.

Don't worry about where you fell but look for where you slipped. /// to fix something you have to go back to where it broke... deal... very weird... lots of swirling dervish of differnet branches of philosophy that I subscribe to. It is as if the universe is finally trying to tell me it is ok.... you can fix it now.

I get very sad when I think about my marriage. I still mourn it. I am not afraid to admit that. I was in love. I thought we could conquer the world. I learned last night that people either try to control or hide or just ignore alcoholism. I am a controller. I tried to fix it that way. I didn't have the wisdom to know the difference. I don't know if I had taken a different path if I could have survived. I'dlike to think not. I don't want to believe that if I had gone to Al-Anon earlier that maybe Troy and I would still be together. It hurts my heart too much. I think i need to believe that I came out of the war wounded but not irreperably damaged. The one thing I have learned is that no amount of love can survive alcohol poisoning.

It has been 2 years and he is still an ever present distraction in my life. Bills that aren't paid, foreclosure, bankruptcy, tax audits.... His ghost is still here leaving footprints all over my life.

MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE... I totally admit that. I don't smile, I don't sleep, I am a shell of the person I was. Alcoholism took my husband piece by piece until he disappeared and then it started eating me alive. And I let it. I did this to myself. I focus so much on what I don't have that I never honor the things I do have.

I couldn't control the money.. the booze.... the cocaine... the drinking partners.... it didn't stop me from trying.... dear god he even left our house because he was too worried about getting a dui since we lived so far away.... talk about a glaring red flag! I put my trust in someone besides me and it failed miserably. BUT>...... i survived. So here I am a shell.... but a pretty shell. A strong shell....

I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I can't cure it.

I am only in control of me..... no one else.