Day 2

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain...

No, not really. There's been a rainstorm in my head for what seems like years. Reading back on some of my older stuff... it's not an exaggeration of time unfortunately. I'm trying to sort it out. The battering winds have taken quite a toll on my soul but also on my body. I've been converted back and forth from an insomniac to a chronic sleeper. I tend to daze about in a semi-catatonic state, isolated from my family and friends. As for the rest of my body... dizzy, twitches... all the fun that goes along with being diagnosed with acute stress disorder.

The clouds feel like they may be lightening and look to have potential to clear. I can remember what clear is like anyway. That' s more than I've had in a long time. When all else fails, my life is always ruled by synchronicity. I have a long way to go to keep myself on my path. I know that. I get distracted by the side "ways". They never are the "way". For frig's sake I have the damn Tao tattooed on my right foot to remind to me and I still think I will find the Elysian fields by bombing through someone else's woods only to realize they are filled with thorns and prickers when i get too deep.

I'm not sure why though today feels different. I don't trust it to last but that isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing because it means I know to appreciate this feeling as opposed to take it for granted. I don't trust my downs to last either. I've learned I can wait out the storm and I try to use them for a good purpose. To reflect and learn.

I've been as no contact as I can possibly be. I have to be realistic about my situation and start to break the trauma bonds that hold me to my ex. It's no small feat. Just as good as I am at excelling at positive things, apparently I am equally skilled at cementing my demise as well.

I think the writing helps. The support group helps but also hurts. I don't want to rail on and on of the granular. Analyzing each individual piece of sand doesn't help me out of the desert. It just distracts. The shit happened. I played a role in it. If it was unknowingly, well.... I should have known better. Maybe not at the beginning but half way through plus one. I understand enough of why Ed did what he does best to understand that I am not "special". Value/Devalue/Discard. It's a vicious cycle. I am thankful for my wake up call (as my eye twitches).

I am me. I am responsible for me. And I need to take better care of myself both on the inside and on the outside. I look forward to the task. It isn't about why others do what they do... I've spent almost a decade analyzing that. It's about understanding the why I accept it, allow it, and condone it. More on that to come...